Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
