Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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