so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
