my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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