weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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