This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
