I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Watching her eat just hurts me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
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