I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
