There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
