the condom got lost in my hair
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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