Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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