I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We are two peas in an std pod
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
