i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
