in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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