just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
