Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
