I think scott just propositioned me for sex
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
