If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
