Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
