I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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