When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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