I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sext me about skeletons
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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