pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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