Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
