Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
