i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
