Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
