just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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