this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You don't make any sense
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