hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Screwed.edu
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
