sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
