she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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