Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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