broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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