i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
