How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
