He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
