did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
