Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
