Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
