Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
