dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
