What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
