She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
