Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
