if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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