The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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