I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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