Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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