Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
