cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
