So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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