So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
