drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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