Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
