if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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