I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
